This semester, I have spent an embarrassingly small amount of time focusing of my relationship with God. Due to that lack of time, I have spent an even smaller amount of time truly investing in and caring about the lives of those around me. And for that, and to anyone that this effected, I am truly sorry.
Turns out, when bad things happen in your life, the world doesn't stop spinning. You don't get a break from life and from caring just because your childhood home is going on the market and the future and making grown up decisions looms closer and closer every day. Shockingly, the world keeps turning and you have to keep moving. Well, these past few months I have tried my darndest to stop the earth from spinning; to keep time from moving forward. You might not know this, but it is extremely difficult to get clocks to turn backward. And I'm still trying to find that giant rewind button, but it just keeps eluding me. So, instead of facing the real world, I have holed myself off in a fantasy land of Netflix and apathy: maybe if I'm not all there, or even if I'm just not caring... maybe it won't hurt when things change: maybe I'll be okay if I just pretend that nothing will change.
Joke's on me!! But let's face it, we all knew it would be. ;) Today was really difficult for me. Selfishly enough, I spent half the day crying and the other half avoiding human life because I was told I have to get rid of my car. First world problems, right? Yeah... Well, this was a huge wake up call for me. For a few years now, my dad has been saying "we need to get you a new car" or "that old car is on it's last leg" or anything else that sounds like a dad would say when he feels that his daughter is unsafe in her hunk of space junk. However, I've just been ignoring him and saying that there is absolutely nothing wrong with the Falcon and that she'll run forever. Unfortunately, I was wrong. Now, we can either spend a ton of money investing in a 12 year old car, or just buy a new, safe, fuel efficient thing. Why this upsets me so much when I should be thrilled, you ask? That's a great question. And my answer is not at all logical but entirely emotional: my whole world is changing. In a few months, I'll be the only one from my family with a mailing address in the state of Oklahoma. My family unit will look completely different, and I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. The one thing I did have, however, that would stay the same was my car. The car that my dad drove, then my mom drove, then my sister drove, and that I have been driving since before I even had my license. I guess I just want something familiar to keep me company in my ever-changing world.
Anywho, here's the wake up call: my dented-in, scratched-up tanker is not the only constant left in my life after everything else changes. Unfortunately, due to the lack of time I've spent with this Unchanging Constant (yes, I know that was redundant) I lost sight of that. Today, I realized how screwed up my priorities are. Today, God shook me up and showed me where my hope lies now... and where it should lie. When my breakdown first started, I turned on my radio and "Wanted" by Hunter Hayes came on. Now, that's a fantastic song, don't you think? It's so romantic and sweet and it just fills your heart with this hope that some day, some guy is going to feel that way about you: that he'll want more than anything to wrap you in his arms and let you know how truly wonderful and special you are... Well, this song made me uneasy this time. It just twisted my stomach up and made me want to scream. So, I changed the station and Tenth Avenue North came through my speakers and my absolute favorite song "Beloved" was on. Don't you just love when you have no idea what's about to happen, and God probably has this huge smile on His face, because He's leading you to this perfect moment where He just gets to show off and extravagantly tell you JUST how much He loves you?! Well, this was one of those moments, and it was a perfect description of the last few months of my life.
Ever since my parents first told us they were splitting up, I have been searching high and low for something to make sense for me: for something or someone to come in and make everything okay. Someone to come in and fix me: fix my problems and whisk me away to a place with no worries. So I turned to the young men in my life, I turned to old addictions and bad habits. I turned to movies, tv, music, books... I had a love affair with some crochet... I gained a lot of weight... I looked everywhere and nothing made it okay. I looked everywhere... except where it mattered. I never once truly looked to God to hold me and satisfy me and make everything okay. For months, I have been half-heartedly opening my Bible every day. For months, I have been pouring into the children's church from an empty vessel. I stopped caring... because I assumed that He had, too. And I was wrong. Today, I opened my Bible intentionally and read with a purpose: to know God more and understand His plan a little better. And what did I find out about my future and the choices I have to make and where I'm going to be? Absolutely nothing. I know absolutely nothing about my life. But I do know that I'm not alone. That I have a God, a King, a Father, a Lover... that cares about me so much... that He will never leave my side. That He will always make a way. When I don't see the path in front of me, He will light it-- but never more than I need to see to get me through. And that is perfectly, beautifully, wonderfully fine with me. While it won't be easy... it is possible. It's possible because I'm not alone. It's possible because I am loved and cared for. It's possible because I was made for a reason: there are no mistakes.
Shelby
Isaiah 49:13
(ps: please, don't for one minute think that I don't know I have a family that loves me and cares for me and will always be there for me. the same goes for my friends. this post has nothing to do with being abandoned by them or feeling unwanted or anything at all: this has everything to do with the struggles I am facing in my own heart. I love my family and friends and I know they love me, too.)
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Turtley Enough for the Turtle Club
In case no one has ever told you, college is hard. And in case no one ever warned you, you will be challenged. And in case that didn't sound difficult enough, college and all of it's hard challenges will make you stop and think about your own life... maybe even make some changes. So tonight, we're going to look at one of those "whoa... dang." moments that I've had recently.
As I said, college is hard, right? This week alone I have a huge written exam, a research paper, and a fair amount of Greek homework due. Needless to say, it's stressing me out. So, tonight at our study session for the exam, I was extremely stressed and wound up when one of my friends tried to explain the outline to me. Poor kid never knew what hit him. I was very short with him, to the point of being rude. I didn't want and or need his help! Why is he talking to me?! I'm perfectly fine! I have it all together! Why does no one believe me when I say I've got this all handled?! Oh right. Because I'm lying. Got it... Needless to say, I felt pretty bad for snapping at my friend... Even worse when he called me out on it! But what else was I supposed to do? I didn't need his help! I could figure it out on my own!! After the study session, I went back to my apartment and retold this story to another friend, who asked me "Do you think this has anything to do with a pride issue?" My initial reaction was "pfft, NO! Of course not. I don't have a problem with pride... I just don't need anyone else's help. I can do it all on my own. I've got this under control." (This is where the "whoa... dang." moment comes in to play.) Wait... maybe I do have a problem?
To me, I've always seen asking for help as a sort of weakness in myself. Why can't I just figure it out on my own? I mean, it's not that hard, right? If it was actually difficult, we would have spent more time talking about it, or it would have been explained more thoroughly. But if no one else is having a problem with it, why should I? I'm just as smart as-- if not smarter than!! (you prideful little sneak...)--everyone else!! Asking for help would be admitting that I don't know everything and that, yes, I need someone to explain something to me that I just don't understand.
Maybe it's a shame thing? Maybe I'm just ashamed of myself for not understanding things that everyone else seems to grasp super easily. Because when it comes down to it, I don't want to be viewed as weak or unintelligent. I just want everyone to like me and think I'm super awesome. And I have to be a super-mega genius in order for people to feel that way about me, right?
Pride and shame are pretty closely linked, huh? Well, at least in my mind. So! Those are the things that my brain thinks about asking for help. Let's look at some truths, shall we?
Asking for help is NOT a bad thing. In fact, it's a courageous thing!! You know you don't understand something, and you WANT to know more or better about said thing. So you seek out someone to help you. And those people that will help you aren't viewing you as "weak" or "dumb" but are probably really impressed that you want to know more and actively sought out the answers! Unless you're asking them how to spell the word orange... for the 12th time... this week. But that's beside the point.
If you never ask for help, you'll never get better. And if you're not honest with yourself about what you need, you'll always stay where you are, or, more likely: you'll get hurt. For example:
Let's say I'm a snapping turtle crossing the freeway. Whenever people come close and try to pick me up, I snap at them until they finally walk away. "Okay, fine, snapping turtle! Imma let you do this yo self!" Uh, thanks! That's kinda what I've been getting at. So that person walks away, and another comes to do the same thing. SNAP SNAP SNAP! "I can get to the other side ON MY OWN! Why don't you believe me?! Geeeez..." And then what happens? A truck hits me and I die.
So, kids, the moral of the story is this: be honest with yourself. If you need help, TELL SOMEONE! Don't be ashamed that you need help, and don't be too proud to ask for it! Or you'll get hit by a truck named LIFE!
Shelby
Proverbs 18:15
As I said, college is hard, right? This week alone I have a huge written exam, a research paper, and a fair amount of Greek homework due. Needless to say, it's stressing me out. So, tonight at our study session for the exam, I was extremely stressed and wound up when one of my friends tried to explain the outline to me. Poor kid never knew what hit him. I was very short with him, to the point of being rude. I didn't want and or need his help! Why is he talking to me?! I'm perfectly fine! I have it all together! Why does no one believe me when I say I've got this all handled?! Oh right. Because I'm lying. Got it... Needless to say, I felt pretty bad for snapping at my friend... Even worse when he called me out on it! But what else was I supposed to do? I didn't need his help! I could figure it out on my own!! After the study session, I went back to my apartment and retold this story to another friend, who asked me "Do you think this has anything to do with a pride issue?" My initial reaction was "pfft, NO! Of course not. I don't have a problem with pride... I just don't need anyone else's help. I can do it all on my own. I've got this under control." (This is where the "whoa... dang." moment comes in to play.) Wait... maybe I do have a problem?
To me, I've always seen asking for help as a sort of weakness in myself. Why can't I just figure it out on my own? I mean, it's not that hard, right? If it was actually difficult, we would have spent more time talking about it, or it would have been explained more thoroughly. But if no one else is having a problem with it, why should I? I'm just as smart as-- if not smarter than!! (you prideful little sneak...)--everyone else!! Asking for help would be admitting that I don't know everything and that, yes, I need someone to explain something to me that I just don't understand.
Maybe it's a shame thing? Maybe I'm just ashamed of myself for not understanding things that everyone else seems to grasp super easily. Because when it comes down to it, I don't want to be viewed as weak or unintelligent. I just want everyone to like me and think I'm super awesome. And I have to be a super-mega genius in order for people to feel that way about me, right?
Pride and shame are pretty closely linked, huh? Well, at least in my mind. So! Those are the things that my brain thinks about asking for help. Let's look at some truths, shall we?
Asking for help is NOT a bad thing. In fact, it's a courageous thing!! You know you don't understand something, and you WANT to know more or better about said thing. So you seek out someone to help you. And those people that will help you aren't viewing you as "weak" or "dumb" but are probably really impressed that you want to know more and actively sought out the answers! Unless you're asking them how to spell the word orange... for the 12th time... this week. But that's beside the point.
If you never ask for help, you'll never get better. And if you're not honest with yourself about what you need, you'll always stay where you are, or, more likely: you'll get hurt. For example:
Let's say I'm a snapping turtle crossing the freeway. Whenever people come close and try to pick me up, I snap at them until they finally walk away. "Okay, fine, snapping turtle! Imma let you do this yo self!" Uh, thanks! That's kinda what I've been getting at. So that person walks away, and another comes to do the same thing. SNAP SNAP SNAP! "I can get to the other side ON MY OWN! Why don't you believe me?! Geeeez..." And then what happens? A truck hits me and I die.
So, kids, the moral of the story is this: be honest with yourself. If you need help, TELL SOMEONE! Don't be ashamed that you need help, and don't be too proud to ask for it! Or you'll get hit by a truck named LIFE!
Shelby
Proverbs 18:15
Friday, September 20, 2013
Shelby's Guide to Love, Sex, and Dating... but mostly Waiting.
Let me just kick this off on the right foot. We already know the content is going to be weird and awkward, so let's just go: hi. My name is Shelby, and I have no idea what I'm talking about. Perfect.
In my life, I have had one boyfriend, for 2 months, and we did some pretty serious hand holding. Like, waffle fingers-- not pancake. You know what I'm talking about. Pretty intense stuff. But, other than that, my love life is lived out vicariously through Disney Movies... And quite frankly I'm cool with that.
The purpose of this post is that I've noticed an extreme lack of purpose-driven dating... Or, more than that, purpose-driven actions. What I mean by that, is that as a 20 year old girl, I am viewed as a social pariah for never having kissed a boy. I blame it on the fact that I carried around a lightsaber all throughout high school. Maybe I could have been kissed... Had I taken my Storm Trooper helmet off... But dangit, that takes so much effort! So boom. Virgin lips: Brought to you by Star Wars. Okay, I'm off topic...
Being a 20-year-old-lip-virgin shouldn't be that unfamiliar. Quite frankly, I'm pretty stoked about my lipginity. And it seems pretty possible that I can keep this going until I meet my husband(ha! psych! we all know I'm a nun! jokester...)! But the thing is, why is that so foreign? Why, as baby adults, do we feel the need to kiss someone else to find our worth? In my travels, I have met so many people that whine about the fact that they've only swapped spit with seven other people. Seven? Really, Shelby? Seven? Calm down... No, really... Seven. This is a real life thing. And it just leaves me dumbfounded. These same girls (and fellahs-- I'm not forgetting you!) that whine about the lack of lips on their face are the same ones in church on Sunday praying "Lord, let Your will be done in my relationships." I hope you read that in a sassy southern belle accent... Because I definitely wrote it in one. We've just let this main-stream idea of "practice makes perfect" into our Christian sphere of living, and it has taken away from one of the most beautiful things God has given us: sex. When we just give away our lips willy-nilly, we're giving away Step 1. First base? I dunno. There's a term for it. Well, isn't there supposed to be more after that? Like... Step 2, Step 3, Home run, Touchdown, Goooooal!! But yeah... Isn't that kind of cheating? "Oh Shelby, I'm just warming up!" No. That's weird. Don't do that.
Oddly enough, even as a nun, I thoroughly enjoy Song of Songs. The poetry and imagery of true and pure love there is just top notch. Absolutely beautiful. But what strikes me in this book, more than anything else, is how many times the phrase "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you; Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." is uttered. A total of three times, this young woman who has just married the love of her life takes time to address the Single Pringles around her: "Girrrrl, you should wait! Because, I'm telling you, THIS is better than any practice there is. I mean like... way better." When you go with this whole "warm up" theory... It kind of has a couple holes. Yes, you're warming up, but when are you actually playing the game? I mean, you're getting all limber... but for what? If you are a Christian and you hold true to the teachings of the Bible that you shouldn't actually play the game until you're married... Aren't you just setting yourself up for failure? Now, I'm not athlete... but can't you hurt yourself by making your muscles too loose or something? Is that a real thing? I'd think it would be... Like, you end up hurting yourself more somehow. And I believe that's how it is when we do awaken love before it so desires in our lives. I mean, you can't just keep practicing. You'll get tired! You'll yearn to play the game-- to actually do something with your acquired skills. And that's where the trouble lies, am I right? I'll stop talking about sports now... it helps no one.
We were designed to be in relationship (Genesis 2:18), we were designed to be with one another. But we have perverted that purpose so much. One man was made to be with one woman. That man was meant to lead his wife with love and respect, and she was made to tell him he is wrong with love and respect (I'm sure that's in the Bible somewhere...). Anywho, the point being, we have made God's masterpiece into an object-- a plaything-- for when we're bored and dissatisfied with our own lives. Well, my charge to you is this: stop that. Simple as that. And if you've started, cut it out. If I had more practical advice on that... I would give it. But seeing as how the most successful relationship I've ever had is with my pillowpet (going on 8 months!! I'm thinking Cheesecake Factory for our monthaversary!), I'm not qualified to tell you how to go about such things. But I am qualified to tell you my opinion. ;)
I doubt any of this was life changing or new information to anyone, but it was something the Lord placed on my heart that I decided I needed to share with you... All 2 of you that read this... I hope it made some sort of sense. If not, well... that's unfortunate.
Shelby
Song of Songs 2:7, Song of Songs 3:5, Song of Songs 4:7
In my life, I have had one boyfriend, for 2 months, and we did some pretty serious hand holding. Like, waffle fingers-- not pancake. You know what I'm talking about. Pretty intense stuff. But, other than that, my love life is lived out vicariously through Disney Movies... And quite frankly I'm cool with that.
The purpose of this post is that I've noticed an extreme lack of purpose-driven dating... Or, more than that, purpose-driven actions. What I mean by that, is that as a 20 year old girl, I am viewed as a social pariah for never having kissed a boy. I blame it on the fact that I carried around a lightsaber all throughout high school. Maybe I could have been kissed... Had I taken my Storm Trooper helmet off... But dangit, that takes so much effort! So boom. Virgin lips: Brought to you by Star Wars. Okay, I'm off topic...
Being a 20-year-old-lip-virgin shouldn't be that unfamiliar. Quite frankly, I'm pretty stoked about my lipginity. And it seems pretty possible that I can keep this going until I meet my husband(ha! psych! we all know I'm a nun! jokester...)! But the thing is, why is that so foreign? Why, as baby adults, do we feel the need to kiss someone else to find our worth? In my travels, I have met so many people that whine about the fact that they've only swapped spit with seven other people. Seven? Really, Shelby? Seven? Calm down... No, really... Seven. This is a real life thing. And it just leaves me dumbfounded. These same girls (and fellahs-- I'm not forgetting you!) that whine about the lack of lips on their face are the same ones in church on Sunday praying "Lord, let Your will be done in my relationships." I hope you read that in a sassy southern belle accent... Because I definitely wrote it in one. We've just let this main-stream idea of "practice makes perfect" into our Christian sphere of living, and it has taken away from one of the most beautiful things God has given us: sex. When we just give away our lips willy-nilly, we're giving away Step 1. First base? I dunno. There's a term for it. Well, isn't there supposed to be more after that? Like... Step 2, Step 3, Home run, Touchdown, Goooooal!! But yeah... Isn't that kind of cheating? "Oh Shelby, I'm just warming up!" No. That's weird. Don't do that.
Oddly enough, even as a nun, I thoroughly enjoy Song of Songs. The poetry and imagery of true and pure love there is just top notch. Absolutely beautiful. But what strikes me in this book, more than anything else, is how many times the phrase "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you; Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." is uttered. A total of three times, this young woman who has just married the love of her life takes time to address the Single Pringles around her: "Girrrrl, you should wait! Because, I'm telling you, THIS is better than any practice there is. I mean like... way better." When you go with this whole "warm up" theory... It kind of has a couple holes. Yes, you're warming up, but when are you actually playing the game? I mean, you're getting all limber... but for what? If you are a Christian and you hold true to the teachings of the Bible that you shouldn't actually play the game until you're married... Aren't you just setting yourself up for failure? Now, I'm not athlete... but can't you hurt yourself by making your muscles too loose or something? Is that a real thing? I'd think it would be... Like, you end up hurting yourself more somehow. And I believe that's how it is when we do awaken love before it so desires in our lives. I mean, you can't just keep practicing. You'll get tired! You'll yearn to play the game-- to actually do something with your acquired skills. And that's where the trouble lies, am I right? I'll stop talking about sports now... it helps no one.
We were designed to be in relationship (Genesis 2:18), we were designed to be with one another. But we have perverted that purpose so much. One man was made to be with one woman. That man was meant to lead his wife with love and respect, and she was made to tell him he is wrong with love and respect (I'm sure that's in the Bible somewhere...). Anywho, the point being, we have made God's masterpiece into an object-- a plaything-- for when we're bored and dissatisfied with our own lives. Well, my charge to you is this: stop that. Simple as that. And if you've started, cut it out. If I had more practical advice on that... I would give it. But seeing as how the most successful relationship I've ever had is with my pillowpet (going on 8 months!! I'm thinking Cheesecake Factory for our monthaversary!), I'm not qualified to tell you how to go about such things. But I am qualified to tell you my opinion. ;)
I doubt any of this was life changing or new information to anyone, but it was something the Lord placed on my heart that I decided I needed to share with you... All 2 of you that read this... I hope it made some sort of sense. If not, well... that's unfortunate.
Shelby
Song of Songs 2:7, Song of Songs 3:5, Song of Songs 4:7
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
My Depressing Story
When I was 12 years old, I was diagnosed with depression. No, not "you look sad... let's give you some medicine!" It was more like "You have a chemical imbalance in your brain that causes your emotions to do wonky things. Silly brain! Let's do something about that!"So for the past eight years of my life, I have been on medication. This last week, I ran out of medicine with no way of getting to my doctor until the end of September. So, the medicine is on it's way completely out of my body. And for the first time in eight years, my body is on it's own. I'm left to handle my own body instead of having medicine middle-out my emotions and mood swings. Let me tell you, I'm having a BLAST with it! Honestly, it's a party. So much fun. Wow, I wish there was a sarcasm font... Anywho, backing up the sassy bus, today I wanted to share something very important with y'all: my testimony. Well, it may not be very important to you, but to me? It's the best thing about me. My dearest, beloved, wonderful friend Sara (www.asurrenderedheart.com) recently posted her testimony, and the events of this last week and the courage of my beautiful friend inspired me to share with you all about my journey of faith.
My first real encounter with Christianity was in 2nd grade, right when we moved to Oklahoma. Yeah, I'd been to church back in Carolina, but it didn't exactly mean anything. Well, one day this girl came up to me and asked "Do you go to church?" to which I gently replied "No. But I know who Jesus is!" And bless her little eight-year-old soul... That little girl told me that if I didn't go to church, the Lord would send me to hell. Bless her heart. What an encouragement. Needless to say, I went home screaming, crying, and hyperventilating that day. Fortunately, my story doesn't end here. I just really like that little anecdote. "Kids say the darndest things" am I right?!
Fast forward to seventh grade and a very dear friend of mine, whom I didn't know would be a dear friend until much later, invited me to come to Sunday School with her. Given the fact that I could count with one finger how many friends I had, I joined this sweet girl at Sunday School. And I liked it. So, for the next two years, I went to church and acted like the best Christian in the world... All the while, not having a clue what I was doing.
At this same time that I was learning about an all-powerful, all-knowing, eternal God... I was also learning about depression, anger, self-harm, and self-hatred. While I was trying to surround myself with these beautiful people that seemed to have it all together, I started to notice even more how dreadfully ill-equipped I was to be one of them. Not only was I depressed, I was ugly, stupid, fat, and completely unwanted. So I surrounded myself with friends that felt the same way... And they taught me the art of self-harm. To deal with my depression and my feelings of being unworthy and unwanted, I fell deeper and deeper into a world of self-harm and self-loathing. While the world saw me as this amazing little Christian girl, on the inside I knew the truth: I was a piece of garbage. A lying, ugly piece of garbage.
In the ninth grade, I reached my lowest point. By this time, it became really apparent that I didn't fit in anywhere. I wasn't smart, I wasn't stupid, I wasn't a bad kid, and I definitely wasn't a Christian. I felt so helpless and alone. I was so emotionally wrecked that I was physically ill 9 out of every 10 days. One evening, I had a migraine so massive that it was all I could do not to scream and kick and cry and run away from the pain until my legs fell off. That not being a very likely option, I found myself downing half a bottle of tylenol. With tears in my eyes and pain searing through my body, I started going numb and my body was limp. I prayed my very first sincere prayer that evening: "Lord, if You're real... Please, don't wake me up. I don't want to be here anymore. Please, just take it all away." Unfortunately, (psych! super fortunately!) I woke up that next morning. At the time, I was pissed. Why would a loving God deny my request?! Why did I have to stay here and suffer if there was this "heaven" place that I could be in? It didn't make sense to me. But on the outside, the world still saw me as a "perfect Christian."
That same year, my youth pastor invited me to go to a youth leadership camp: where students spent a week reading the word and learning how to go out and share that love with the world. Being the "perfect Christian" that I was, I hopped on that opportunity the moment I could. Of course I'll join all the rest of the leaders for a week! I'm a great leader! Well, the second night of that camp I started to notice something different between me and everyone else: they were worshipping God. I was standing in a dark room with a couple hundred other people trying not to brush arms with the really tall guy standing next to me. I felt uncomfortable. More than that, I felt alone. In a room filled to the brim, I felt completely isolated. I sat down and begged God to take that feeling away from me. To take that feeling of loneliness that I knew all too well. And the Lord showed up in a mighty way. Before I knew what was really happening, I spotted my best friend, Kaitlyn, a few rows away and grabbed her arm. She asked me what was up and I told her "I need to go down front. I don't know why, but I need to go down front." So she went with me, a little confused and frightened, but by darn it, she went! And I am so thankful... When we go to the front, Kaitlyn told me that we should kneel at the alter and pray. Not knowing what else to do at the front of a church, I agreed. She laid her arm over my shoulders and began to pray. As tears came streaming down my face, I joined her in praying. I said over and over again "God, what do You want from me? What could You possibly want?!" And at that moment, the Lord invaded my heart. He hit me like a wrecking ball and just dozed down all of my walls. I literally collapsed in tears as I heard Him whispering into my heart: "You! Shelby, My Princess, I want YOU! I love you. I made you. You belong to ME!" That night, I surrendered all of my doubts and fears and let the Lord take control of my life... Hands down, the best decision I have ever and will ever make.
My favorite stories are the ones that end right there. My favorite way to end them is a lot like Bilbo does in Lord of the Rings: "and he lived happily ever after, 'til the end of his days." Alas, that doesn't happen. I am not a hobbit, and this is not a fairy tale: it's a love story. While that day changed my life, it didn't make everything magically easy. I still suffered from depression, and it would be another month entirely until I finally surrendered my addiction to self-harm. (4 years clean, by the way!! I'm kind of excited...) The main difference between my life now and my life then is that I'm not alone. On my darkest days, at my lowest points... I am NOT alone. I have a God who loves me, cares for me, provides for me, and protects me watching over me every step of the way. And that is the most amazing truth and comfort that there could ever be.
Many many trials have come into my life since that beautiful day... Many things that I can't explain and I don't have answers for. But in every trial, God has reigned supreme and He has brought beauty from every hard place.
I don't understand why Ben took his life.
I can't tell you why Tori was diagnosed with cancer.
I wish I had a reason for my parent's divorce.
But God is working. God is faithful. And God is loving.
So even through depression, cancer, suicide, divorce, bad grades, broken hearts, stubbed toes, shaken faiths... God will always remain. God will always be God. And God will always be more than good.
I want to thank you for reading this blog. I know I don't write consistently, and I know it's not all very good... But I really feel like I need to write these thoughts down. God can use anyone-- even someone as strange as I am-- to advance His kingdom and reassure His children. Please know I'm praying for you. Even if I don't know you, I am praying for you.
With love, blessings, and so much hope for a brighter day,
Shelby
Ephesians 2:10
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Soul Washing
Matthew 23:25-26
Every time I go to wash the dishes now, that passage from Matthew comes to mind. Washing dishes is an art, really... Well, at least for me it is. First, you gotta get soap and hot water. Once you have these things, you may get your sponge and dirty dishes. Once all of these components are present, you may proceed with washing said dishes. When it comes to cups, you need to start at the bottom of the inside and then work your way out. The cool thing is, that most of the dirty, yucky stuff happens on the inside, so by the time you've finished cleaning the inside, the outside is generally pretty well-off. And every time I go to wash a cup, I just laugh.
The same goes for our lives. We can clean the outside all we want. We can look like the cleanest cup in the whole world... But when someone goes to take a drink, they see all of the sticky grape juice residue mixed with week-old Dr. Pepper. Umm... gross. And now they definitely don't want a drink. Because that's nasty. And I'm sure they're pretty disappointed... At least, I would be. I was pretty thirsty, gosh darn it! So it's super important to clean the inside of the cup: that's where all the stuff happens, man!
In our lives, we need some hot water, soap, and a sponge to help clean our cups. Hot water: prayer; Sponge: accountability; Soap: the Bible. In order to really clean our cup, we need all three of these components. I mean, yeah, they can do a pretty okay job on their own... but none of them can truly get the job done without the others. The most important being the soap: the Bible. Everything else depends on the presence of the soap to get their jobs done. Without soap, the sponge is just scraping at the sides of the cup, hoping to catch some of the yucky stuff and get it off. But when you put the soap and the sponge together, you're in business! You can get most of that jazz off of the sides and bottom of your cup! But something is missing: hot water to cleanse and work off some of the more stubborn spots. Just like cleaning needs hot water, we need friends/mentors to hold us accountable and to push us to read the Bible and pray. All three of these things are amazing, wonderful, beautiful things by themselves... But together, they can pretty much dominate any set-in stain you encounter. ;)
I hope you enjoyed the lessons of a spoiled brat!! Don't you just love how God can move in the most mundane parts of your life? Even if you have a dishwasher, I encourage you to CLEAN A CUP today!! Just take some time and think about all of the components needed and how you use them in your own life. Personally, I could use a bit more hot water... And my sponge is kinda ratty... But hey! Now I know what I have to put on my shopping list. :)
Shelby
Matthew 23:28
25 “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. 26 Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.When I first found out that our apartment didn't have a dishwasher... Well, let's just say I might have died a little on the inside. Honestly, I've never had to wash anything-- other than a massive pot or pan-- in my entire life. So it was quite a change!! But do you want to know how cool our God is? He used washing dishes to speak into my life!!
Every time I go to wash the dishes now, that passage from Matthew comes to mind. Washing dishes is an art, really... Well, at least for me it is. First, you gotta get soap and hot water. Once you have these things, you may get your sponge and dirty dishes. Once all of these components are present, you may proceed with washing said dishes. When it comes to cups, you need to start at the bottom of the inside and then work your way out. The cool thing is, that most of the dirty, yucky stuff happens on the inside, so by the time you've finished cleaning the inside, the outside is generally pretty well-off. And every time I go to wash a cup, I just laugh.
The same goes for our lives. We can clean the outside all we want. We can look like the cleanest cup in the whole world... But when someone goes to take a drink, they see all of the sticky grape juice residue mixed with week-old Dr. Pepper. Umm... gross. And now they definitely don't want a drink. Because that's nasty. And I'm sure they're pretty disappointed... At least, I would be. I was pretty thirsty, gosh darn it! So it's super important to clean the inside of the cup: that's where all the stuff happens, man!
In our lives, we need some hot water, soap, and a sponge to help clean our cups. Hot water: prayer; Sponge: accountability; Soap: the Bible. In order to really clean our cup, we need all three of these components. I mean, yeah, they can do a pretty okay job on their own... but none of them can truly get the job done without the others. The most important being the soap: the Bible. Everything else depends on the presence of the soap to get their jobs done. Without soap, the sponge is just scraping at the sides of the cup, hoping to catch some of the yucky stuff and get it off. But when you put the soap and the sponge together, you're in business! You can get most of that jazz off of the sides and bottom of your cup! But something is missing: hot water to cleanse and work off some of the more stubborn spots. Just like cleaning needs hot water, we need friends/mentors to hold us accountable and to push us to read the Bible and pray. All three of these things are amazing, wonderful, beautiful things by themselves... But together, they can pretty much dominate any set-in stain you encounter. ;)
I hope you enjoyed the lessons of a spoiled brat!! Don't you just love how God can move in the most mundane parts of your life? Even if you have a dishwasher, I encourage you to CLEAN A CUP today!! Just take some time and think about all of the components needed and how you use them in your own life. Personally, I could use a bit more hot water... And my sponge is kinda ratty... But hey! Now I know what I have to put on my shopping list. :)
Shelby
Matthew 23:28
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Welcome Home...
"Welcome Home!" has been uttered a LOT this week here on Bison Hill! From the moment our new students step on campus, we never STOP welcoming them home! This isn't just a university where you get in and get out with a degree and never look back... This place really IS a home!! I've only been on Bison Hill for a year now, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord placed me here for a reason. That I couldn't possibly be this happy anywhere else!
When the new freshmen got here, my heart started beating a mile a minute!! I was so excited to welcome them to campus!! Not just to move them in and send them to class. No, my heart started pounding because I was about to meet my NEW FAMILY!! How could I not be excited?! Over 500 new brothers and sisters joining me in the place that I yearn to be when I'm anywhere else. This past week, I was blessed to lead around a group of super rad freshmen with a great friend of mine. We were privileged to show them around campus, town, and help acclimate them to their new home! I can't wait to strengthen these friendships that I've made this past week and walk through this journey with my new family. They seem cool enough, but I can't wait to REALLY know them!! To get out of the "awkward family reunion" stage and into the loving family dynamic that OBU really is.
Not only am I stoked to be back at school and loving on my new family... But I can't wait to get home to my Shawnee church!! Every Sunday morning, Josh takes the stage and calls out, "Welcome Home, Calvary Baptist Church!" to which we all respond in unison, "Thanks! It's great to be home!" And when I first started attending church there, that always made me laugh. I thought it was the strangest thing I had ever heard... But then I started getting to know the people sitting next to me in the pew. The old ladies that would hug a random stranger as if it were her favorite grandchild. The little kids that run into your arms like you're the best big sister in the world. Yes, Calvary really is home. Bison Hill really is home. And yes, my hometown really is home, too.
When I first moved away, when I went back to OKC for the weekend, I'd always say "I'm going home!" But after a while, when I was leaving OKC to head back to Shawnee, I'd find myself saying "I'm headed back home, mom." At first I'd always correct myself: no, Shawnee was where I went to school... Not my home. But then the Lord started to speak into my heart... "Shelby, your heart can be in more places than one. In fact, I made you that way! You were not made for this earth. Your heart shouldn't be in just one place. Home is wherever you feel My love, My presence, My peace. Your home is where I AM." And I cannot tell you how beautiful, freeing, and wonderful it is to know that my permanent home is in Heaven with my Lord and Savior... But in the mean time, I get to experience His love and His presence wherever I am. And wherever He is, I can find my home.
One day I hope to move to New Orleans and love on the beautiful people there. I left a chunk of my heart in New Orleans in 2012 and I just haven't got it back. It made it's home there and I can't wait to follow it. So yeah, my home is here in Shawnee. My home is at Calvary. My home is in OKC. My home is in New Orleans. My home is with the Lord. And I am so blessed to call Him my Dwelling Place.
Shelby
Ezekiel 37:27
When the new freshmen got here, my heart started beating a mile a minute!! I was so excited to welcome them to campus!! Not just to move them in and send them to class. No, my heart started pounding because I was about to meet my NEW FAMILY!! How could I not be excited?! Over 500 new brothers and sisters joining me in the place that I yearn to be when I'm anywhere else. This past week, I was blessed to lead around a group of super rad freshmen with a great friend of mine. We were privileged to show them around campus, town, and help acclimate them to their new home! I can't wait to strengthen these friendships that I've made this past week and walk through this journey with my new family. They seem cool enough, but I can't wait to REALLY know them!! To get out of the "awkward family reunion" stage and into the loving family dynamic that OBU really is.
Not only am I stoked to be back at school and loving on my new family... But I can't wait to get home to my Shawnee church!! Every Sunday morning, Josh takes the stage and calls out, "Welcome Home, Calvary Baptist Church!" to which we all respond in unison, "Thanks! It's great to be home!" And when I first started attending church there, that always made me laugh. I thought it was the strangest thing I had ever heard... But then I started getting to know the people sitting next to me in the pew. The old ladies that would hug a random stranger as if it were her favorite grandchild. The little kids that run into your arms like you're the best big sister in the world. Yes, Calvary really is home. Bison Hill really is home. And yes, my hometown really is home, too.
When I first moved away, when I went back to OKC for the weekend, I'd always say "I'm going home!" But after a while, when I was leaving OKC to head back to Shawnee, I'd find myself saying "I'm headed back home, mom." At first I'd always correct myself: no, Shawnee was where I went to school... Not my home. But then the Lord started to speak into my heart... "Shelby, your heart can be in more places than one. In fact, I made you that way! You were not made for this earth. Your heart shouldn't be in just one place. Home is wherever you feel My love, My presence, My peace. Your home is where I AM." And I cannot tell you how beautiful, freeing, and wonderful it is to know that my permanent home is in Heaven with my Lord and Savior... But in the mean time, I get to experience His love and His presence wherever I am. And wherever He is, I can find my home.
One day I hope to move to New Orleans and love on the beautiful people there. I left a chunk of my heart in New Orleans in 2012 and I just haven't got it back. It made it's home there and I can't wait to follow it. So yeah, my home is here in Shawnee. My home is at Calvary. My home is in OKC. My home is in New Orleans. My home is with the Lord. And I am so blessed to call Him my Dwelling Place.
Shelby
Ezekiel 37:27
Monday, August 19, 2013
My Intern Summer
I went into this summer without many expectations. I've gone to camp with the middle schoolers for four years now, so I wasn't new to any of it. I was in youth group with these kiddos, taught them in VBS, and actually used to babysit a few of them. So, I assumed this summer would just be a combination of all of my past experiences: hanging out, making sure no one gets hurt, and handing them back over to their parents after about 2 hours. Don't you just love when God laughs at your ideas? Yeah... Me too...
This summer was one of the hardest things ever. And probably the most rewarding thing I have ever done. Through all the chaos and all the uncertainty, God was constantly speaking peace into my heart saying, "Yes, child, this is what I want for you!! Don't you want it, too?!" And no matter how bad the day had gone or how many students had given me the stank eye, the answer was always a resounding "YES! YES!"
Luckily, I was so blessed to have two other interns there with me. Two amazing, godly, older ladies who guided me, and cried with me, and laughed with me and loved on me. Without them and their constant prayer, texts, and silly vine videos... Well, this summer would have been even harder!! I can't thank the Lord enough for the gift of their mentorship, friendship, and sisterhood. Not only were we blessed to have each other, we were also blessed to work under two extremely God-centered men who loved the Lord and their students with such passion... you just had to get on board with them!!
But like I said, this summer was hard. Working with middle schoolers, it's easy for people pass you off as simply a "babysitter" for some teenagers. People always seem to forget how hard middle school actually was... All of the changes-- physical and emotional-- that you go through in that time and the pressure and stress that comes from all of this!! Sometimes you get so bogged down by the hurt of your students and the busyness of a summer schedule that you just want to scream and run away!! And on top of all of that, you have parents, friends, and family that just think of you as a "professional babysitter" and don't take the time to ask you about your students or even how your day is going. So yeah, it gets lonely sometimes...
So many times I found myself thinking this summer, "What I'm doing doesn't actually matter... No one notices, no one cares... I can't remember the last time I heard a thank you!... Why am I working so hard at something if no one is even going to care or pay attention?! WHAT'S THE POINT?!" The point... The point is this: at the height of my discouragement, my hopeless self-pitying... the Lord whispered into my heart, "since when is this supposed to be about you?" BOOM!! Bricks. In the face. The Lord hit me in the face with bricks. I was making my ministry to these students MY ministry: not God working through me to breathe life into these students. Whoa! Selfish alert!! I spent so much time worrying about what people thought about what I was doing, that I didn't have time to listen for what GOD was doing and get involved in that... What a waste of time!! Ministry is never about me and who notices me and who wants to be like me... It's who sees CHRIST through me. It's better to be "that one chick that told me about Jesus" than "Shelby Elizabeth Clark, the girl who hung out with me for the summer!!" In the end, which has a kingdom impact? Granted, the Lord can work through my selfishness... But He can work even more through my humility. ;)
I was having this super terrible day towards the end of the summer. I was struggling hardcore with feeling needed or even feeling like I did a gosh darned thing to help these kids all summer when one of my sweet little 6th graders, Shelby(great name, right?!), came up and handed me a note. She told me to put it in my pocket and read it later when I was alone. Well, when I got home that night... the Lord showed off. ;) I opened up this precious note from my even more precious student and started reading about how she had been looking up to me before we had ever met. That through my testimony, she was able to find her worth in the Lord and know for sure that she is His-- that she is made beautifully and wonderfully. And there, on my knees, on the floor of my bedroom... I thanked the Lord. I praised Him for every hard day. For every tear that had slid down my cheeks. It was ALL worth it! Every single bead of sweat. Every folded t-shirt, painted sign, organized closet, alphabetized paperwork, EVERY task was worth it: just for that one sweet girl to know how truly loved she is. How beautiful... God just really is amazing, you know?
I am so humbled that the Lord chose me to work with this age group. What an opportunity!! He sought me when I was an awkward teenager and hasn't stop pursuing me since... What better way to serve Him than to share the story He has given me and lead others to His beautiful presence. I count myself blessed every day for the wonderful opportunities I get to hang out with and mentor and disciple these beautiful students. I miss my First Mustangers every day, but I know the Lord has great things planned for them in my absence... I am just so so blessed to have been there for them this summer. :)
Shelby
Matthew 19:30
This summer was one of the hardest things ever. And probably the most rewarding thing I have ever done. Through all the chaos and all the uncertainty, God was constantly speaking peace into my heart saying, "Yes, child, this is what I want for you!! Don't you want it, too?!" And no matter how bad the day had gone or how many students had given me the stank eye, the answer was always a resounding "YES! YES!"
Luckily, I was so blessed to have two other interns there with me. Two amazing, godly, older ladies who guided me, and cried with me, and laughed with me and loved on me. Without them and their constant prayer, texts, and silly vine videos... Well, this summer would have been even harder!! I can't thank the Lord enough for the gift of their mentorship, friendship, and sisterhood. Not only were we blessed to have each other, we were also blessed to work under two extremely God-centered men who loved the Lord and their students with such passion... you just had to get on board with them!!
But like I said, this summer was hard. Working with middle schoolers, it's easy for people pass you off as simply a "babysitter" for some teenagers. People always seem to forget how hard middle school actually was... All of the changes-- physical and emotional-- that you go through in that time and the pressure and stress that comes from all of this!! Sometimes you get so bogged down by the hurt of your students and the busyness of a summer schedule that you just want to scream and run away!! And on top of all of that, you have parents, friends, and family that just think of you as a "professional babysitter" and don't take the time to ask you about your students or even how your day is going. So yeah, it gets lonely sometimes...
So many times I found myself thinking this summer, "What I'm doing doesn't actually matter... No one notices, no one cares... I can't remember the last time I heard a thank you!... Why am I working so hard at something if no one is even going to care or pay attention?! WHAT'S THE POINT?!" The point... The point is this: at the height of my discouragement, my hopeless self-pitying... the Lord whispered into my heart, "since when is this supposed to be about you?" BOOM!! Bricks. In the face. The Lord hit me in the face with bricks. I was making my ministry to these students MY ministry: not God working through me to breathe life into these students. Whoa! Selfish alert!! I spent so much time worrying about what people thought about what I was doing, that I didn't have time to listen for what GOD was doing and get involved in that... What a waste of time!! Ministry is never about me and who notices me and who wants to be like me... It's who sees CHRIST through me. It's better to be "that one chick that told me about Jesus" than "Shelby Elizabeth Clark, the girl who hung out with me for the summer!!" In the end, which has a kingdom impact? Granted, the Lord can work through my selfishness... But He can work even more through my humility. ;)
I was having this super terrible day towards the end of the summer. I was struggling hardcore with feeling needed or even feeling like I did a gosh darned thing to help these kids all summer when one of my sweet little 6th graders, Shelby(great name, right?!), came up and handed me a note. She told me to put it in my pocket and read it later when I was alone. Well, when I got home that night... the Lord showed off. ;) I opened up this precious note from my even more precious student and started reading about how she had been looking up to me before we had ever met. That through my testimony, she was able to find her worth in the Lord and know for sure that she is His-- that she is made beautifully and wonderfully. And there, on my knees, on the floor of my bedroom... I thanked the Lord. I praised Him for every hard day. For every tear that had slid down my cheeks. It was ALL worth it! Every single bead of sweat. Every folded t-shirt, painted sign, organized closet, alphabetized paperwork, EVERY task was worth it: just for that one sweet girl to know how truly loved she is. How beautiful... God just really is amazing, you know?
I am so humbled that the Lord chose me to work with this age group. What an opportunity!! He sought me when I was an awkward teenager and hasn't stop pursuing me since... What better way to serve Him than to share the story He has given me and lead others to His beautiful presence. I count myself blessed every day for the wonderful opportunities I get to hang out with and mentor and disciple these beautiful students. I miss my First Mustangers every day, but I know the Lord has great things planned for them in my absence... I am just so so blessed to have been there for them this summer. :)
Shelby
Matthew 19:30
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