This semester, I have spent an embarrassingly small amount of time focusing of my relationship with God. Due to that lack of time, I have spent an even smaller amount of time truly investing in and caring about the lives of those around me. And for that, and to anyone that this effected, I am truly sorry.
Turns out, when bad things happen in your life, the world doesn't stop spinning. You don't get a break from life and from caring just because your childhood home is going on the market and the future and making grown up decisions looms closer and closer every day. Shockingly, the world keeps turning and you have to keep moving. Well, these past few months I have tried my darndest to stop the earth from spinning; to keep time from moving forward. You might not know this, but it is extremely difficult to get clocks to turn backward. And I'm still trying to find that giant rewind button, but it just keeps eluding me. So, instead of facing the real world, I have holed myself off in a fantasy land of Netflix and apathy: maybe if I'm not all there, or even if I'm just not caring... maybe it won't hurt when things change: maybe I'll be okay if I just pretend that nothing will change.
Joke's on me!! But let's face it, we all knew it would be. ;) Today was really difficult for me. Selfishly enough, I spent half the day crying and the other half avoiding human life because I was told I have to get rid of my car. First world problems, right? Yeah... Well, this was a huge wake up call for me. For a few years now, my dad has been saying "we need to get you a new car" or "that old car is on it's last leg" or anything else that sounds like a dad would say when he feels that his daughter is unsafe in her hunk of space junk. However, I've just been ignoring him and saying that there is absolutely nothing wrong with the Falcon and that she'll run forever. Unfortunately, I was wrong. Now, we can either spend a ton of money investing in a 12 year old car, or just buy a new, safe, fuel efficient thing. Why this upsets me so much when I should be thrilled, you ask? That's a great question. And my answer is not at all logical but entirely emotional: my whole world is changing. In a few months, I'll be the only one from my family with a mailing address in the state of Oklahoma. My family unit will look completely different, and I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. The one thing I did have, however, that would stay the same was my car. The car that my dad drove, then my mom drove, then my sister drove, and that I have been driving since before I even had my license. I guess I just want something familiar to keep me company in my ever-changing world.
Anywho, here's the wake up call: my dented-in, scratched-up tanker is not the only constant left in my life after everything else changes. Unfortunately, due to the lack of time I've spent with this Unchanging Constant (yes, I know that was redundant) I lost sight of that. Today, I realized how screwed up my priorities are. Today, God shook me up and showed me where my hope lies now... and where it should lie. When my breakdown first started, I turned on my radio and "Wanted" by Hunter Hayes came on. Now, that's a fantastic song, don't you think? It's so romantic and sweet and it just fills your heart with this hope that some day, some guy is going to feel that way about you: that he'll want more than anything to wrap you in his arms and let you know how truly wonderful and special you are... Well, this song made me uneasy this time. It just twisted my stomach up and made me want to scream. So, I changed the station and Tenth Avenue North came through my speakers and my absolute favorite song "Beloved" was on. Don't you just love when you have no idea what's about to happen, and God probably has this huge smile on His face, because He's leading you to this perfect moment where He just gets to show off and extravagantly tell you JUST how much He loves you?! Well, this was one of those moments, and it was a perfect description of the last few months of my life.
Ever since my parents first told us they were splitting up, I have been searching high and low for something to make sense for me: for something or someone to come in and make everything okay. Someone to come in and fix me: fix my problems and whisk me away to a place with no worries. So I turned to the young men in my life, I turned to old addictions and bad habits. I turned to movies, tv, music, books... I had a love affair with some crochet... I gained a lot of weight... I looked everywhere and nothing made it okay. I looked everywhere... except where it mattered. I never once truly looked to God to hold me and satisfy me and make everything okay. For months, I have been half-heartedly opening my Bible every day. For months, I have been pouring into the children's church from an empty vessel. I stopped caring... because I assumed that He had, too. And I was wrong. Today, I opened my Bible intentionally and read with a purpose: to know God more and understand His plan a little better. And what did I find out about my future and the choices I have to make and where I'm going to be? Absolutely nothing. I know absolutely nothing about my life. But I do know that I'm not alone. That I have a God, a King, a Father, a Lover... that cares about me so much... that He will never leave my side. That He will always make a way. When I don't see the path in front of me, He will light it-- but never more than I need to see to get me through. And that is perfectly, beautifully, wonderfully fine with me. While it won't be easy... it is possible. It's possible because I'm not alone. It's possible because I am loved and cared for. It's possible because I was made for a reason: there are no mistakes.
Shelby
Isaiah 49:13
(ps: please, don't for one minute think that I don't know I have a family that loves me and cares for me and will always be there for me. the same goes for my friends. this post has nothing to do with being abandoned by them or feeling unwanted or anything at all: this has everything to do with the struggles I am facing in my own heart. I love my family and friends and I know they love me, too.)
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