My Depressing Story

When I was 12 years old, I was diagnosed with depression. No, not "you look sad... let's give you some medicine!" It was more like "You have a chemical imbalance in your brain that causes your emotions to do wonky things. Silly brain! Let's do something about that!"So for the past eight years of my life, I have been on medication. This last week, I ran out of medicine with no way of getting to my doctor until the end of September. So, the medicine is on it's way completely out of my body. And for the first time in eight years, my body is on it's own. I'm left to handle my own body instead of having medicine middle-out my emotions and mood swings. Let me tell you, I'm having a BLAST with it! Honestly, it's a party. So much fun. Wow, I wish there was a sarcasm font... Anywho, backing up the sassy bus, today I wanted to share something very important with y'all: my testimony. Well, it may not be very important to you, but to me? It's the best thing about me. My dearest, beloved, wonderful friend Sara (www.asurrenderedheart.com) recently posted her testimony, and the events of this last week and the courage of my beautiful friend inspired me to share with you all about my journey of faith.

My first real encounter with Christianity was in 2nd grade, right when we moved to Oklahoma. Yeah, I'd been to church back in Carolina, but it didn't exactly mean anything. Well, one day this girl came up to me and asked "Do you go to church?" to which I gently replied "No. But I know who Jesus is!" And bless her little eight-year-old soul... That little girl told me that if I didn't go to church, the Lord would send me to hell. Bless her heart. What an encouragement. Needless to say, I went home screaming, crying, and hyperventilating that day. Fortunately, my story doesn't end here. I just really like that little anecdote. "Kids say the darndest things" am I right?!

Fast forward to seventh grade and a very dear friend of mine, whom I didn't know would be a dear friend until much later, invited me to come to Sunday School with her. Given the fact that I could count with one finger how many friends I had, I joined this sweet girl at Sunday School. And I liked it. So, for the next two years, I went to church and acted like the best Christian in the world... All the while, not having a clue what I was doing. 

At this same time that I was learning about an all-powerful, all-knowing, eternal God... I was also learning about depression, anger, self-harm, and self-hatred. While I was trying to surround myself with these beautiful people that seemed to have it all together, I started to notice even more how dreadfully ill-equipped I was to be one of them. Not only was I depressed, I was ugly, stupid, fat, and completely unwanted. So I surrounded myself with friends that felt the same way... And they taught me the art of self-harm. To deal with my depression and my feelings of being unworthy and unwanted, I fell deeper and deeper into a world of self-harm and self-loathing. While the world saw me as this amazing little Christian girl, on the inside I knew the truth: I was a piece of garbage. A lying, ugly piece of garbage. 

In the ninth grade, I reached my lowest point. By this time, it became really apparent that I didn't fit in anywhere. I wasn't smart, I wasn't stupid, I wasn't a bad kid, and I definitely wasn't a Christian. I felt so helpless and alone. I was so emotionally wrecked that I was physically ill 9 out of every 10 days. One evening, I had a migraine so massive that it was all I could do not to scream and kick and cry and run away from the pain until my legs fell off. That not being a very likely option, I found myself downing half a bottle of tylenol. With tears in my eyes and pain searing through my body, I started going numb and my body was limp. I prayed my very first sincere prayer that evening: "Lord, if You're real... Please, don't wake me up. I don't want to be here anymore. Please, just take it all away." Unfortunately, (psych! super fortunately!) I woke up that next morning. At the time, I was pissed. Why would a loving God deny my request?! Why did I have to stay here and suffer if there was this "heaven" place that I could be in? It didn't make sense to me. But on the outside, the world still saw me as a "perfect Christian."

That same year, my youth pastor invited me to go to a youth leadership camp: where students spent a week reading the word and learning how to go out and share that love with the world. Being the "perfect Christian" that I was, I hopped on that opportunity the moment I could. Of course I'll join all the rest of the leaders for a week! I'm a great leader! Well, the second night of that camp I started to notice something different between me and everyone else: they were worshipping God. I was standing in a dark room with a couple hundred other people trying not to brush arms with the really tall guy standing next to me. I felt uncomfortable. More than that, I felt alone. In a room filled to the brim, I felt completely isolated. I sat down and begged God to take that feeling away from me. To take that feeling of loneliness that I knew all too well. And the Lord showed up in a mighty way. Before I knew what was really happening, I spotted my best friend, Kaitlyn, a few rows away and grabbed her arm. She asked me what was up and I told her "I need to go down front. I don't know why, but I need to go down front." So she went with me, a little confused and frightened, but by darn it, she went! And I am so thankful... When we go to the front, Kaitlyn told me that we should kneel at the alter and pray. Not knowing what else to do at the front of a church, I agreed. She laid her arm over my shoulders and began to pray. As tears came streaming down my face, I joined her in praying. I said over and over again "God, what do You want from me? What could You possibly want?!" And at that moment, the Lord invaded my heart. He hit me like a wrecking ball and just dozed down all of my walls. I literally collapsed in tears as I heard Him whispering into my heart: "You! Shelby, My Princess, I want YOU! I love you. I made you. You belong to ME!" That night, I surrendered all of my doubts and fears and let the Lord take control of my life... Hands down, the best decision I have ever and will ever make.

My favorite stories are the ones that end right there. My favorite way to end them is a lot like Bilbo does in Lord of the Rings: "and he lived happily ever after, 'til the end of his days." Alas, that doesn't happen. I am not a hobbit, and this is not a fairy tale: it's a love story. While that day changed my life, it didn't make everything magically easy. I still suffered from depression, and it would be another month entirely until I finally surrendered my addiction to self-harm. (4 years clean, by the way!! I'm kind of excited...) The main difference between my life now and my life then is that I'm not alone. On my darkest days, at my lowest points... I am NOT alone. I have a God who loves me, cares for me, provides for me, and protects me watching over me every step of the way. And that is the most amazing truth and comfort that there could ever be. 

Many many trials have come into my life since that beautiful day... Many things that I can't explain and I don't have answers for. But in every trial, God has reigned supreme and He has brought beauty from every hard place. 

I don't understand why Ben took his life.

I can't tell you why Tori was diagnosed with cancer.

I wish I had a reason for my parent's divorce.

But God is working. God is faithful. And God is loving. 

So even through depression, cancer, suicide, divorce, bad grades, broken hearts, stubbed toes, shaken faiths... God will always remain. God will always be God. And God will always be more than good.

I want to thank you for reading this blog. I know I don't write consistently, and I know it's not all very good... But I really feel like I need to write these thoughts down. God can use anyone-- even someone as strange as I am-- to advance His kingdom and reassure His children. Please know I'm praying for you. Even if I don't know you, I am praying for you. 

With love, blessings, and so much hope for a brighter day,

Shelby

Ephesians 2:10