This post was going to be about relationships... Then halfway through, I realized it was all about self-worth. Well, they kinda go hand-in-hand, don't they? Anyway, this post is about self-worth now!! And I feel like that is even more essential than a post about relationships. If we can't love ourselves... Well then, it's pretty hard for others to love us, too, isn't it?
Our girls are so consumed with getting people to notice them, to love them, to desire them, that they spend countless hours in front of every mirror they see-- primping, posing, puckering, pouting-- trying to find some attention. They are so overrun by thoughts of makeup and dress sizes and hair and instagram photos... that they don't have time to read my blog about how friggin beautiful, loved, and desired they are without all that crap. Every day, my instagram newsfeed is flooded with pictures of 12 year old girls dressed to the nines with captions that read "looking ugly today" YEARNING for people to comment back saying "omg noo! you're totes a hottie!!" and after those three seconds of joy from that comment... they're back to hating themselves and looking for a new way to pose for their next picture... Seeking approval from the next person.
My whole middle school career was spent trying to convince myself that I didn't care what anyone thought about me: that how I dressed, acted, and spoke was in no way affected by those around me. Wanna know a secret? I was lying. Once, when I was in the 7th grade, I made myself physically ill because I forgot to put makeup on. I literally threw up because I was so ashamed of the way I looked. WHY?! I was so afraid that people wouldn't like the real me-- that people wouldn't love me-- that I hid who I was under layers and layers of makeup and outlandish clothing and hairstyles. My look wasn't based on who I was: it was based on who I wanted to like me. And looking back... Those people definitely weren't the ones I should have been concerning myself with.
I reached my lowest point in my battle with self-worth when I was 15 years old. By this time, I had experimented with being a "scene" kid, a "goth" kid, a "skater chick", a "glamourous" girl, an "edgy" chick... Dude, I was so many different things, I didn't even know who I was. All I knew was that none of it was working. No matter how many looks I tried, friend groups I hopped between, chat rooms I joined, or cuss words I used... I wasn't happy: I wasn't filled. At that time, I had already been self harming for two years. I thought that maybe if I tried to take away some of my rejection and feelings of worthlessness physically, it would dull my emotional pain. No... It just left some yucky looking scars and a trail of salt water down my cheeks. I was so lost. I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. No one wanted me around. All I did was make everything suck! So I started thinking... maybe things would be better if I weren't around. Yeah, that actually sounds pretty nice! No more worrying about makeup, friends, or feelings... I would be free from it all!! So, one night, I decided to pop as many tylenol as possible and prayed my first sincere prayer: Lord, don't wake me up.
The reason my heart breaks every time I see those photos on instagram; the reason I get so upset when my girls tell me they need a boyfriend; the reason I cringe every time I see a middle schooler putting on makeup... is because... I know they are worth SO much more than they think!! Forget those pictures: charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting!! but a woman who fears the Lord is to be PRAISED!! (Proverbs 31:30) Forget those dumb boys! Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires(Song of Songs 2:7)!! Forget that makeup and be CLOTHED in strength and dignity! (Proverbs 31:25)LAUGH without fear of the future: because God is holding it in His HANDS!!
Five years after that awful, AWFUL night... I still struggle with self-worth. It's a never ending battle, really... But every day the fight gets easier. Every day the Lord breathes strength into me. Some days, yes, I still cringe when I look in the mirror and wonder how that wild raccoon got under my eyes and "when did the Ratchet Fairy visit?" BUT, even on those days, I can still hear God whispering: "Hmm... There she is! My beautiful daughter. I am so glad that she is mine. I love her. I love her. I love her."
So, my beautiful daughters of the King... if you're reading this... take some time and get a sticky note. On that sticky note, write all the awesome things about you-- those special things that only you have that God blessed YOU with. Big stuff, small stuff, YOU stuff!! Remember those things on your darkest self-worth days. Put that sticky in plain sight. Remember how wonderful you are. How unique. How important. How gloriously radiant you are. How perfectly YOU you are!!
It's time to step down off of this soap box and hit the hay. My last week in the office started today... Yikes!! I can't wait to post about how amazing this summer has been. Just a few more days left in the craziest summer on record!!
Shelby
Deuteronomy 31:6
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