This past January, my mom came in to the room and told my sister to turn down the television-- that we needed to talk. Naturally, my first thought was "who did we forget to send a thank you card to?" and things of that sort. When Mom started talking, her voice was shaking: "As you both know, your father and I have been going through a hard time..." And that day I became a statistic.
I'm having a tough time coming up with the words for this blog. I had every word planned out before I sat down. It was going to be eloquent, moving, and inspirational... And now that I'm sitting here, typing these words, I don't remember diddly-squat. But I know I want to write this, and I know I want it on this blog.
My parents were never overly affectionate, and a few times during my teens years I actually feared they would get a divorce, but I never gave it too much thought. Just because they didn't hug and kiss didn't mean they weren't in love!! Dang, I am struggling for words right now. For me, this whole experience has been more stressful than heartbreaking. I guess because I still don't really think it's all real because we all still live under the same roof... for now. Mom wanted us to devote this summer to cleaning up, boxing up, and getting ready to go. Unfortunately, that hasn't really happened: everyone has full time jobs and tons of activities. So here I am, three weeks before I have to move out for school, having to box up my entire life, separate my things into three piles (keep, college, trash), go to work every day, love on students, go on a mission trip, paint my room, load my car, and leave... Probably for the last time.
I guess that's the worst part of divorce... Your entire life changes. I think the worst mistake my mom made when she told us about their divorce was when she said "this is between your father and me-- this won't affect you." Ohh, but it does. Not only am I losing my physical home of the last twelve years, I'm losing my family. They keep saying over and over and over again how "we're still a family, we're still your parents, we just aren't together" but to be honest, that's a lie. When I come home from college to visit, I have to pick which "home" I prefer. I have to pick a parent to visit first. I have to pick a house to stay at for the night. I have to choose between my parents. Bahh, now I'm getting a little choked up.
I've been avoiding packing all summer because I didn't want to face what lies ahead. But now it's hitting me like a semi. My prayer ever since that January evening has been for peace. That God would show me that He is still in control as my life spirals out of control. Losing my scholarship, losing my home, living with strangers, having no financial income, being clueless about my future, seeing all my friends getting engaged and married, becoming more and more distant from my extended family...
Y'all, this is my open and honest blog post... No funny stories, no fancy words, just me. I've been terrified to do this. Terrified to put it in words. Terrified that if I let everyone know that my parents are getting a divorce, that I lost my scholarship, that I'm scared... that I won't be a credible leader-- that parents won't want someone like me around their kids, influencing them and giving them advice. I've literally told five people about this blog. I'm afraid to tell people about it because they might judge me or think what I have to say is stupid. But it's time I set those fears aside. I'm constantly telling my students to be open, to be honest, to let people in... but then I do the exact opposite.
So yeah. My parents are getting a divorce. I may not be able to finish school. I have no way of supporting myself financially. I know less than ever before about what I want to do with my life. I care more than ever what people think of me. I serve a God who is big enough to quiet all these fears, and yet I silence Him by my actions. So what do I do?
My plan from here is to read my Bible, pray like crazy, do some serious thinking, keep loving on my students, and do my best to honor my God through all the insanity and confusion that is my life right now. I hold to the promises of scripture that He will never leave me nor forsake me. That He has a plan for my future. That He will not harm me. That He will hold out His hand and that I, too, can walk on the water. That I am His beloved daughter that He DIED to make Holy. That He loves me... even if I am an insane, messed up, confused, terrified, unworthy little statistic.
Shelby
Proverbs 31:25
(that's my prayer)
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