Soul Washing

Matthew 23:25-26

²⁵ “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. ²⁶ Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.

When I first found out that our apartment didn't have a dishwasher... Well, let's just say I might have died a little on the inside. Honestly, I've never had to wash anything-- other than a massive pot or pan-- in my entire life. So it was quite a change!! But do you want to know how cool our God is? He used washing dishes to speak into my life!!

Every time I go to wash the dishes now, that passage from Matthew comes to mind. Washing dishes is an art, really... Well, at least for me it is. First, you gotta get soap and hot water. Once you have these things, you may get your sponge and dirty dishes. Once all of these components are present, you may proceed with washing said dishes. When it comes to cups, you need to start at the bottom of the inside and then work your way out. The cool thing is, that most of the dirty, yucky stuff happens on the inside, so by the time you've finished cleaning the inside, the outside is generally pretty well-off. And every time I go to wash a cup, I just laugh.

The same goes for our lives. We can clean the outside all we want. We can look like the cleanest cup in the whole world... But when someone goes to take a drink, they see all of the sticky grape juice residue mixed with week-old Dr. Pepper. Umm... gross. And now they definitely don't want a drink. Because that's nasty. And I'm sure they're pretty disappointed... At least, I would be. I was pretty thirsty, gosh darn it! So it's super important to clean the inside of the cup: that's where all the stuff happens, man!

In our lives, we need some hot water, soap, and a sponge to help clean our cups. Hot water: prayer; Sponge: accountability; Soap: the Bible. In order to really clean our cup, we need all three of these components. I mean, yeah, they can do a pretty okay job on their own... but none of them can truly get the job done without the others. The most important being the soap: the Bible. Everything else depends on the presence of the soap to get their jobs done. Without soap, the sponge is just scraping at the sides of the cup, hoping to catch some of the yucky stuff and get it off. But when you put the soap and the sponge together, you're in business! You can get most of that jazz off of the sides and bottom of your cup! But something is missing: hot water to cleanse and work off some of the more stubborn spots. Just like cleaning needs hot water, we need friends/mentors to hold us accountable and to push us to read the Bible and pray. All three of these things are amazing, wonderful, beautiful things by themselves... But together, they can pretty much dominate any set-in stain you encounter. ;)

I hope you enjoyed the lessons of a spoiled brat!! Don't you just love how God can move in the most mundane parts of your life? Even if you have a dishwasher, I encourage you to CLEAN A CUP today!! Just take some time and think about all of the components needed and how you use them in your own life. Personally, I could use a bit more hot water... And my sponge is kinda ratty... But hey! Now I know what I have to put on my shopping list. :)

Shelby
Matthew 23:28

Welcome Home...

"Welcome Home!" has been uttered a LOT this week here on Bison Hill! From the moment our new students step on campus, we never STOP welcoming them home! This isn't just a university where you get in and get out with a degree and never look back... This place really IS a home!! I've only been on Bison Hill for a year now, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord placed me here for a reason. That I couldn't possibly be this happy anywhere else!

When the new freshmen got here, my heart started beating a mile a minute!! I was so excited to welcome them to campus!! Not just to move them in and send them to class. No, my heart started pounding because I was about to meet my NEW FAMILY!! How could I not be excited?! Over 500 new brothers and sisters joining me in the place that I yearn to be when I'm anywhere else. This past week, I was blessed to lead around a group of super rad freshmen with a great friend of mine. We were privileged to show them around campus, town, and help acclimate them to their new home! I can't wait to strengthen these friendships that I've made this past week and walk through this journey with my new family. They seem cool enough, but I can't wait to REALLY know them!! To get out of the "awkward family reunion" stage and into the loving family dynamic that OBU really is.

Not only am I stoked to be back at school and loving on my new family... But I can't wait to get home to my Shawnee church!! Every Sunday morning, Josh takes the stage and calls out, "Welcome Home, Calvary Baptist Church!" to which we all respond in unison, "Thanks! It's great to be home!" And when I first started attending church there, that always made me laugh. I thought it was the strangest thing I had ever heard... But then I started getting to know the people sitting next to me in the pew. The old ladies that would hug a random stranger as if it were her favorite grandchild. The little kids that run into your arms like you're the best big sister in the world. Yes, Calvary really is home. Bison Hill really is home. And yes, my hometown really is home, too.

When I first moved away, when I went back to OKC for the weekend, I'd always say "I'm going home!" But after a while, when I was leaving OKC to head back to Shawnee, I'd find myself saying "I'm headed back home, mom." At first I'd always correct myself: no, Shawnee was where I went to school... Not my home. But then the Lord started to speak into my heart... "Shelby, your heart can be in more places than one. In fact, I made you that way! You were not made for this earth. Your heart shouldn't be in just one place. Home is wherever you feel My love, My presence, My peace. Your home is where I AM." And I cannot tell you how beautiful, freeing, and wonderful it is to know that my permanent home is in Heaven with my Lord and Savior... But in the mean time, I get to experience His love and His presence wherever I am. And wherever He is, I can find my home.

One day I hope to move to New Orleans and love on the beautiful people there. I left a chunk of my heart in New Orleans in 2012 and I just haven't got it back. It made it's home there and I can't wait to follow it. So yeah, my home is here in Shawnee. My home is at Calvary. My home is in OKC. My home is in New Orleans. My home is with the Lord. And I am so blessed to call Him my Dwelling Place.

Shelby
Ezekiel 37:27

My Intern Summer

I went into this summer without many expectations. I've gone to camp with the middle schoolers for four years now, so I wasn't new to any of it. I was in youth group with these kiddos, taught them in VBS, and actually used to babysit a few of them. So, I assumed this summer would just be a combination of all of my past experiences: hanging out, making sure no one gets hurt, and handing them back over to their parents after about 2 hours. Don't you just love when God laughs at your ideas? Yeah... Me too...

This summer was one of the hardest things ever. And probably the most rewarding thing I have ever done. Through all the chaos and all the uncertainty, God was constantly speaking peace into my heart saying, "Yes, child, this is what I want for you!! Don't you want it, too?!" And no matter how bad the day had gone or how many students had given me the stank eye, the answer was always a resounding "YES! YES!"

Luckily, I was so blessed to have two other interns there with me. Two amazing, godly, older ladies who guided me, and cried with me, and laughed with me and loved on me. Without them and their constant prayer, texts, and silly vine videos... Well, this summer would have been even harder!! I can't thank the Lord enough for the gift of their mentorship, friendship, and sisterhood. Not only were we blessed to have each other, we were also blessed to work under two extremely God-centered men who loved the Lord and their students with such passion... you just had to get on board with them!!

But like I said, this summer was hard. Working with middle schoolers, it's easy for people pass you off as simply a "babysitter" for some teenagers. People always seem to forget how hard middle school actually was... All of the changes-- physical and emotional-- that you go through in that time and the pressure and stress that comes from all of this!! Sometimes you get so bogged down by the hurt of your students and the busyness of a summer schedule that you just want to scream and run away!! And on top of all of that, you have parents, friends, and family that just think of you as a "professional babysitter" and don't take the time to ask you about your students or even how your day is going. So yeah, it gets lonely sometimes...

So many times I found myself thinking this summer, "What I'm doing doesn't actually matter... No one notices, no one cares... I can't remember the last time I heard a thank you!... Why am I working so hard at something if no one is even going to care or pay attention?! WHAT'S THE POINT?!" The point... The point is this: at the height of  my discouragement, my hopeless self-pitying... the Lord whispered into my heart, "since when is this supposed to be about you?" BOOM!! Bricks. In the face. The Lord hit me in the face with bricks. I was making my ministry to these students MY ministry: not God working through me to breathe life into these students. Whoa! Selfish alert!! I spent so much time worrying about what people thought about what I was doing, that I didn't have time to listen for what GOD was doing and get involved in that... What a waste of time!! Ministry is never about me and who notices me and who wants to be like me... It's who sees CHRIST through me. It's better to be "that one chick that told me about Jesus" than "Shelby Elizabeth Clark, the girl who hung out with me for the summer!!" In the end, which has a kingdom impact? Granted, the Lord can work through my selfishness... But He can work even more through my humility. ;)

I was having this super terrible day towards the end of the summer. I was struggling hardcore with feeling needed or even feeling like I did a gosh darned thing to help these kids all summer when one of my sweet little 6th graders, Shelby(great name, right?!), came up and handed me a note. She told me to put it in my pocket and read it later when I was alone. Well, when I got home that night... the Lord showed off. ;) I opened up this precious note from my even more precious student and started reading about how she had been looking up to me before we had ever met. That through my testimony, she was able to find her worth in the Lord and know for sure that she is His-- that she is made beautifully and wonderfully. And there, on my knees, on the floor of my bedroom... I thanked the Lord. I praised Him for every hard day. For every tear that had slid down my cheeks. It was ALL worth it! Every single bead of sweat. Every folded t-shirt, painted sign, organized closet, alphabetized paperwork, EVERY task was worth it: just for that one sweet girl to know how truly loved she is. How beautiful... God just really is amazing, you know?

I am so humbled that the Lord chose me to work with this age group. What an opportunity!! He sought me when I was an awkward teenager and hasn't stop pursuing me since... What better way to serve Him than to share the story He has given me and lead others to His beautiful presence. I count myself blessed every day for the wonderful opportunities I get to hang out with and mentor and disciple these beautiful students. I miss my First Mustangers every day, but I know the Lord has great things planned for them in my absence... I am just so so blessed to have been there for them this summer. :)

Shelby
Matthew 19:30

Why I hate instagram...

This post was going to be about relationships... Then halfway through, I realized it was all about self-worth. Well, they kinda go hand-in-hand, don't they? Anyway, this post is about self-worth now!! And I feel like that is even more essential than a post about relationships. If we can't love ourselves... Well then, it's pretty hard for others to love us, too, isn't it?

Our girls are so consumed with getting people to notice them, to love them, to desire them, that they spend countless hours in front of every mirror they see-- primping, posing, puckering, pouting-- trying to find some attention. They are so overrun by thoughts of makeup and dress sizes and hair and instagram photos... that they don't have time to read my blog about how friggin beautiful, loved, and desired they are without all that crap. Every day, my instagram newsfeed is flooded with pictures of 12 year old girls dressed to the nines with captions that read "looking ugly today" YEARNING for people to comment back saying "omg noo! you're totes a hottie!!" and after those three seconds of joy from that comment... they're back to hating themselves and looking for a new way to pose for their next picture... Seeking approval from the next person.

My whole middle school career was spent trying to convince myself that I didn't care what anyone thought about me: that how I dressed, acted, and spoke was in no way affected by those around me. Wanna know a secret? I was lying. Once, when I was in the 7th grade, I made myself physically ill because I forgot to put makeup on. I literally threw up because I was so ashamed of the way I looked. WHY?! I was so afraid that people wouldn't like the real me-- that people wouldn't love me-- that I hid who I was under layers and layers of makeup and outlandish clothing and hairstyles. My look wasn't based on who I was: it was based on who I wanted to like me. And looking back... Those people definitely weren't the ones I should have been concerning myself with.

I reached my lowest point in my battle with self-worth when I was 15 years old. By this time, I had experimented with being a "scene" kid, a "goth" kid, a "skater chick", a "glamourous" girl, an "edgy" chick... Dude, I was so many different things, I didn't even know who I was. All I knew was that none of it was working. No matter how many looks I tried, friend groups I hopped between, chat rooms I joined, or cuss words I used... I wasn't happy: I wasn't filled. At that time, I had already been self harming for two years. I thought that maybe if I tried to take away some of my rejection and feelings of worthlessness physically, it would dull my emotional pain. No... It just left some yucky looking scars and a trail of salt water down my cheeks. I was so lost. I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. No one wanted me around. All I did was make everything suck! So I started thinking... maybe things would be better if I weren't around. Yeah, that actually sounds pretty nice! No more worrying about makeup, friends, or feelings... I would be free from it all!! So, one night, I decided to pop as many tylenol as possible and prayed my first sincere prayer: Lord, don't wake me up.

The reason my heart breaks every time I see those photos on instagram; the reason I get so upset when my girls tell me they need a boyfriend; the reason I cringe every time I see a middle schooler putting on makeup... is because... I know they are worth SO much more than they think!! Forget those pictures: charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting!! but a woman who fears the Lord is to be PRAISED!! (Proverbs 31:30) Forget those dumb boys! Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires(Song of Songs 2:7)!! Forget that makeup and be CLOTHED in strength and dignity! (Proverbs 31:25)LAUGH without fear of the future: because God is holding it in His HANDS!!

Five years after that awful, AWFUL night... I still struggle with self-worth. It's a never ending battle, really... But every day the fight gets easier. Every day the Lord breathes strength into me. Some days, yes, I still cringe when I look in the mirror and wonder how that wild raccoon got under my eyes and "when did the Ratchet Fairy visit?" BUT, even on those days, I can still hear God whispering: "Hmm... There she is! My beautiful daughter. I am so glad that she is  mine. I love her. I love her. I love her."

So, my beautiful daughters of the King... if you're reading this... take some time and get a sticky note. On that sticky note, write all the awesome things about you-- those special things that only you have that God blessed YOU with. Big stuff, small stuff, YOU stuff!! Remember those things on your darkest self-worth days. Put that sticky in plain sight. Remember how wonderful you are. How unique. How important. How gloriously radiant you are. How perfectly YOU you are!!

It's time to step down off of this soap box and hit the hay. My last week in the office started today... Yikes!! I can't wait to post about how amazing this summer has been. Just a few more days left in the craziest summer on record!!

Shelby
Deuteronomy 31:6