This past January, my mom came in to the room and told my sister to turn down the television-- that we needed to talk. Naturally, my first thought was "who did we forget to send a thank you card to?" and things of that sort. When Mom started talking, her voice was shaking: "As you both know, your father and I have been going through a hard time..." And that day I became a statistic.
I'm having a tough time coming up with the words for this blog. I had every word planned out before I sat down. It was going to be eloquent, moving, and inspirational... And now that I'm sitting here, typing these words, I don't remember diddly-squat. But I know I want to write this, and I know I want it on this blog.
My parents were never overly affectionate, and a few times during my teens years I actually feared they would get a divorce, but I never gave it too much thought. Just because they didn't hug and kiss didn't mean they weren't in love!! Dang, I am struggling for words right now. For me, this whole experience has been more stressful than heartbreaking. I guess because I still don't really think it's all real because we all still live under the same roof... for now. Mom wanted us to devote this summer to cleaning up, boxing up, and getting ready to go. Unfortunately, that hasn't really happened: everyone has full time jobs and tons of activities. So here I am, three weeks before I have to move out for school, having to box up my entire life, separate my things into three piles (keep, college, trash), go to work every day, love on students, go on a mission trip, paint my room, load my car, and leave... Probably for the last time.
I guess that's the worst part of divorce... Your entire life changes. I think the worst mistake my mom made when she told us about their divorce was when she said "this is between your father and me-- this won't affect you." Ohh, but it does. Not only am I losing my physical home of the last twelve years, I'm losing my family. They keep saying over and over and over again how "we're still a family, we're still your parents, we just aren't together" but to be honest, that's a lie. When I come home from college to visit, I have to pick which "home" I prefer. I have to pick a parent to visit first. I have to pick a house to stay at for the night. I have to choose between my parents. Bahh, now I'm getting a little choked up.
I've been avoiding packing all summer because I didn't want to face what lies ahead. But now it's hitting me like a semi. My prayer ever since that January evening has been for peace. That God would show me that He is still in control as my life spirals out of control. Losing my scholarship, losing my home, living with strangers, having no financial income, being clueless about my future, seeing all my friends getting engaged and married, becoming more and more distant from my extended family...
Y'all, this is my open and honest blog post... No funny stories, no fancy words, just me. I've been terrified to do this. Terrified to put it in words. Terrified that if I let everyone know that my parents are getting a divorce, that I lost my scholarship, that I'm scared... that I won't be a credible leader-- that parents won't want someone like me around their kids, influencing them and giving them advice. I've literally told five people about this blog. I'm afraid to tell people about it because they might judge me or think what I have to say is stupid. But it's time I set those fears aside. I'm constantly telling my students to be open, to be honest, to let people in... but then I do the exact opposite.
So yeah. My parents are getting a divorce. I may not be able to finish school. I have no way of supporting myself financially. I know less than ever before about what I want to do with my life. I care more than ever what people think of me. I serve a God who is big enough to quiet all these fears, and yet I silence Him by my actions. So what do I do?
My plan from here is to read my Bible, pray like crazy, do some serious thinking, keep loving on my students, and do my best to honor my God through all the insanity and confusion that is my life right now. I hold to the promises of scripture that He will never leave me nor forsake me. That He has a plan for my future. That He will not harm me. That He will hold out His hand and that I, too, can walk on the water. That I am His beloved daughter that He DIED to make Holy. That He loves me... even if I am an insane, messed up, confused, terrified, unworthy little statistic.
Shelby
Proverbs 31:25
(that's my prayer)
Friday, July 19, 2013
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Prayer as a Punishment
"Who would like to pray for us?" The sentence is uttered. The group grows silent for the first time all night... Palms sweating, hearts racing, Lord, please don't let her call on me!! "Joe Bob, would you like to pray for us?" "I PRAYED LAST TIME!! WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?!"
One thing I deal with a LOT in my job is students thinking of prayer as some sick punishment used to torture and humiliate them. Honestly, if I wanted to punish and humiliate my students... Well, I have my ways. It seems to me that students these days-- and also adults-- view prayer as a punishment when it should be seen as an awesome privilege!! Getting to talk one-on-one with the Creator of the Universe? Having a direct line to the Rock of Ages? Having a little chit chat with the One who INVENTED chit chat? Umm... That sounds AWESOME! So why have we made it something so terrible?
My belief is that the problem lies not with prayer itself, but within our own selfish hearts! When we pray out loud in front of others, an internal prayer is going on, as well: "Lord, please don't let my voice crack! God, thank You for letting me hold hands with this really cute guy next to me. Jesus, I know I forgot my deodorant--- please make the wind blow in the other direction!! Savior, PLEASE make me sound smart!!" Our hearts are in the completely wrong place!! We care more about what the people around us think of our words than we do about Who hears the words and controls the tides!! God doesn't give a hoot how big your words are. He could care LESS how many Hebrew words you use per prayer. And I'm pretty sure God doesn't give a flying flip if your voice cracks or not: His BELOVED child is talking to Him!! He is so excited when we come before Him with a genuine heart and seek to praise Him, thank Him, and ask of Him. He LOVES to hear from His children.
Last week, I was having a discussion with one of my girls. Her friend was going through some very difficult things, and she had no clue how to help her!! She kept saying "All I can do is pray-- what good does that do?!" Ohh, honey... If only you knew!! And that was the thing: she DIDN'T know!! To her, bringing this request before God was something she was supposed to do. It's what her mama had taught her. But she didn't understand just how POWERFUL that was!! She is speaking PERSONALLY with the Lord of All on behalf of her friend! But she didn't understand that. She was just talking to the ceiling. She wasn't taking the time to talk with her most important Friend: her Savior, her Father... Her ever present help in times of need!!
We've failed when our kids think of prayer as a punishment. We've failed when prayer goes from a Want to, to a Have to. So I'm gonna try my very hardest to convey this principal to my students: Prayer is the Privilege that we could never deserve. We are given this privilege by a God who wants to speak to us: undeserving, messy us. How awesome!
Shelby
1 Thessalonians 5:17
One thing I deal with a LOT in my job is students thinking of prayer as some sick punishment used to torture and humiliate them. Honestly, if I wanted to punish and humiliate my students... Well, I have my ways. It seems to me that students these days-- and also adults-- view prayer as a punishment when it should be seen as an awesome privilege!! Getting to talk one-on-one with the Creator of the Universe? Having a direct line to the Rock of Ages? Having a little chit chat with the One who INVENTED chit chat? Umm... That sounds AWESOME! So why have we made it something so terrible?
My belief is that the problem lies not with prayer itself, but within our own selfish hearts! When we pray out loud in front of others, an internal prayer is going on, as well: "Lord, please don't let my voice crack! God, thank You for letting me hold hands with this really cute guy next to me. Jesus, I know I forgot my deodorant--- please make the wind blow in the other direction!! Savior, PLEASE make me sound smart!!" Our hearts are in the completely wrong place!! We care more about what the people around us think of our words than we do about Who hears the words and controls the tides!! God doesn't give a hoot how big your words are. He could care LESS how many Hebrew words you use per prayer. And I'm pretty sure God doesn't give a flying flip if your voice cracks or not: His BELOVED child is talking to Him!! He is so excited when we come before Him with a genuine heart and seek to praise Him, thank Him, and ask of Him. He LOVES to hear from His children.
Last week, I was having a discussion with one of my girls. Her friend was going through some very difficult things, and she had no clue how to help her!! She kept saying "All I can do is pray-- what good does that do?!" Ohh, honey... If only you knew!! And that was the thing: she DIDN'T know!! To her, bringing this request before God was something she was supposed to do. It's what her mama had taught her. But she didn't understand just how POWERFUL that was!! She is speaking PERSONALLY with the Lord of All on behalf of her friend! But she didn't understand that. She was just talking to the ceiling. She wasn't taking the time to talk with her most important Friend: her Savior, her Father... Her ever present help in times of need!!
We've failed when our kids think of prayer as a punishment. We've failed when prayer goes from a Want to, to a Have to. So I'm gonna try my very hardest to convey this principal to my students: Prayer is the Privilege that we could never deserve. We are given this privilege by a God who wants to speak to us: undeserving, messy us. How awesome!
Shelby
1 Thessalonians 5:17
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
True Love at 12
As a middle school intern, I get to hear about "true love" every day! My sweet girls that I used to babysit are now boy crazy and convinced that they are Juliet and he is Romeo! Unfortunately for them, they don't quite know what happens at the end of the play. Hint: Gnomeo and Juliet changed the ending a bit... Just a bit. But nevertheless, these girls are positive that their boy can do no wrong and that their relationship will stand the test of time.
Ready for an awesome story? Okay. At camp last week, one of my girls was SO excited! She was going on an icee date with this suuuper cute 6th grade boy. Naturally, I was asking her questions about it, and she said "Well, there's not much pressure. I already have a boyfriend. I'm just seeing if there might be anything between us." Uhhh.... What? You have a boyfriend and you're going on a date with this guy? "Well, he's cuter." Oh. Right. He's a 12 year old Adonis! I forgot. So, she gets all primped and ready for this date and the boy-- in true 12-year-old-boy fashion-- ditches her to hang out with his buds. So here I am now, dealing with a broken hearted 6th grader who already has a boyfriend but wanted to see how things developed with this other guy... How do you talk to a 6th grader about adultery? Is there a book on that?! Let me know if you find one.
So badly I want to take all of my girls and lock them in a tower far away and give them classes on True Love Waits and how dating before you graduate high school is absolutely pointless!! These precious girls throw their whole hearts into these relationships that-- at the very most-- last 3 weeks. It breaks my heart every day to watch them throw themselves into these pointless romances. No matter how many times I tell them "You know, girls, I didn't go on my first date until I was 18 years old and I'm still alive!" they just laugh in my face and tell me that they would DIE if they had to wait that long!! Right. So in the mean time, they have Mom pick up the boy at 4:30 because he has to be home by 7:00-- before the street lights come on.
Every now and then you hear a story of a couple that has been together since birth... But we don't live in a Cory and Topanga world-- we live in reality. A reality where dating is called "practice" for marriage, and the more people you date-- the better! Oh, how that shatters my heart and sets my teeth on edge!! My girls have such screwed up perceptions of what a relationship is and what the purpose of it all is: marriage!! Marriage is the end game for dating! Do you really think that as 12 year olds, they're thinking about marriage? No! Of course not! They're thinking about tummy butterflies and how he makes her feel good. If we can change their views on dating and show them how important it is to wait... Well, I think we'll have a revolution on our hands!! Odds are, the boys they're dating now... Won't make the cut. Most prepubescent boys don't really look like husband material. Give 'em a few years, though... They might surprise you!!
I've learned more about true love this past month than in 19 years of existence... It's amazing what you can learn from a 12 year old. Apparently, I've been approaching dating wrong! All I have to do is text him all the time, ignore him in public, and tell all my friends we're in love, and POOF! Perfect relationship. The more you know, right?
Shelby
1 Corinthians 10:13
Ready for an awesome story? Okay. At camp last week, one of my girls was SO excited! She was going on an icee date with this suuuper cute 6th grade boy. Naturally, I was asking her questions about it, and she said "Well, there's not much pressure. I already have a boyfriend. I'm just seeing if there might be anything between us." Uhhh.... What? You have a boyfriend and you're going on a date with this guy? "Well, he's cuter." Oh. Right. He's a 12 year old Adonis! I forgot. So, she gets all primped and ready for this date and the boy-- in true 12-year-old-boy fashion-- ditches her to hang out with his buds. So here I am now, dealing with a broken hearted 6th grader who already has a boyfriend but wanted to see how things developed with this other guy... How do you talk to a 6th grader about adultery? Is there a book on that?! Let me know if you find one.
So badly I want to take all of my girls and lock them in a tower far away and give them classes on True Love Waits and how dating before you graduate high school is absolutely pointless!! These precious girls throw their whole hearts into these relationships that-- at the very most-- last 3 weeks. It breaks my heart every day to watch them throw themselves into these pointless romances. No matter how many times I tell them "You know, girls, I didn't go on my first date until I was 18 years old and I'm still alive!" they just laugh in my face and tell me that they would DIE if they had to wait that long!! Right. So in the mean time, they have Mom pick up the boy at 4:30 because he has to be home by 7:00-- before the street lights come on.
Every now and then you hear a story of a couple that has been together since birth... But we don't live in a Cory and Topanga world-- we live in reality. A reality where dating is called "practice" for marriage, and the more people you date-- the better! Oh, how that shatters my heart and sets my teeth on edge!! My girls have such screwed up perceptions of what a relationship is and what the purpose of it all is: marriage!! Marriage is the end game for dating! Do you really think that as 12 year olds, they're thinking about marriage? No! Of course not! They're thinking about tummy butterflies and how he makes her feel good. If we can change their views on dating and show them how important it is to wait... Well, I think we'll have a revolution on our hands!! Odds are, the boys they're dating now... Won't make the cut. Most prepubescent boys don't really look like husband material. Give 'em a few years, though... They might surprise you!!
I've learned more about true love this past month than in 19 years of existence... It's amazing what you can learn from a 12 year old. Apparently, I've been approaching dating wrong! All I have to do is text him all the time, ignore him in public, and tell all my friends we're in love, and POOF! Perfect relationship. The more you know, right?
Shelby
1 Corinthians 10:13
Monday, July 1, 2013
6 Months Up
About 6 months ago, a man in my church told me that he was praying I would find a husband: that I needed to be a wife. So he continued to tell me that when he prays that someone will find their future spouse, it always happens within 6 months... Needless to say, that creeped me out. I'm 19!! I don't want to find my husband yet-- I'm not ready!!
Well, today is 6 months and no husband in sight-- obviously, this means I'm going to be alone forever. Obviously.
To be honest, that doesn't really bother me! Firstly, because I don't believe that that man has any control over who and when I marry-- so that's nice. Secondly, I'm a bit too busy trying to live the life God has placed in front of me.
This past month has been insane for me! I started working at my hometown church as the Middle School Ministry Intern, and it has been non-stop camp preparation since Day 1. So far, in the past four weeks, I've been in the office a total of 6 days! We've been jumping from one camp to the other-- I haven't fully unpacked my suitcase since May! Thankfully, camp season is over now, so I can do some laundry and get more than 5 hours of sleep... Maybe.
Along with being insane, hectic, busy, and stressful... It has been the most rewarding month of my entire life. I have spent every waking moment either with students or praying for students! Getting to watch God move in their lives has been the most amazing and precious thing I have ever had the blessing to be a part of. I want to spend the rest of my life loving on and encouraging students in their walk with God.
When I tell people about my passion for students and my goal of spending every waking moment dedicated to them and helping them through the toughest trials, I almost always get the same response: "Well then, you better find yourself a youth pastor husband!!" Right. Well. I can't, can I? My 6 months is up... Darn.
This Blog isn't going to be about my search-- or lack thereof-- for a husband. This blog is going to be about a girl doing what she loves: the ups and downs, the lefts and rights, the upsets, the victories, and the grace that God always extends her way. I just thought I'd kick it off with a silly little story and the passion of my heart! Please know, I don't actually think that "my time is up" and that I'm gonna be alone forever-- I know that God is not confined to our timeline or what we think is best. So husband or no husband, I'm going to follow His lead and let Him make the calls: not some dude at my church. :)
Shelby
Matthew 10:27
When I tell people about my passion for students and my goal of spending every waking moment dedicated to them and helping them through the toughest trials, I almost always get the same response: "Well then, you better find yourself a youth pastor husband!!" Right. Well. I can't, can I? My 6 months is up... Darn.
This Blog isn't going to be about my search-- or lack thereof-- for a husband. This blog is going to be about a girl doing what she loves: the ups and downs, the lefts and rights, the upsets, the victories, and the grace that God always extends her way. I just thought I'd kick it off with a silly little story and the passion of my heart! Please know, I don't actually think that "my time is up" and that I'm gonna be alone forever-- I know that God is not confined to our timeline or what we think is best. So husband or no husband, I'm going to follow His lead and let Him make the calls: not some dude at my church. :)
Shelby
Matthew 10:27
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